It is not unusual to find my three-year-old tiptoeing out of bed each evening, insisting she just isn’t tired. But one night, she took it to an entirely different level. She had gotten out of bed, put on her sunglasses, tiara, princess skirt and several beaded bracelets. She marched herself down to my room, barged in, and let me know very matter-of-factly, “I’m not tired.” I struggled to hold back the laughter and urge to take a picture as I assertively escorted her back to her room. But it turned out that we had leveled up our bedtime battles that night. I received a barrage of screams, demands and cries over going to bed. I realized I was officially in the “threenager” phase.
For those of you yet to experience this wonderfully challenging phase, the term ‘threenager’ describes the unique and often challenging behaviors of three-year-olds, who seem to exhibit traits similar to teenagers. Although the terrible twos are wrought with explosive tantrums, the threenager years aren’t an exception to this behavior. As children grow from the terrible twos into the threenager phase, parents often notice a shift in the nature and intensity of tantrums.
Terrible Twos vs Threenager
During the terrible two phase, children will often tantrum from a place of frustration to get what they need or express what they want. These tantrums are typically impulsive and can be redirected with acknowledgment and being offered choices.
In the threenager phase, however, tantrums are fueled by a new desire for independence in things they have yet to master and magnified through a greater emotional response to events. As a result, the threenager tantrum may last longer and be more difficult to quell. The child is more able to verbally respond (“no” being the the favorite retort), and may even be more strategic as the child seeks to test boundaries and negotiate. For example, a two-year-old might throw a tantrum simply because they can’t communicate that they’re hungry. A three-year-old might have a meltdown because they want to dress themselves but can’t quite manage the buttons.
In other words, the development of a two-year-old versus a three-year-old directly impacts why a child tantrums and how they need a big person to respond.
Here are some tips for responding to a threenager meltdown:
Empathy
I have found that gushing on the empathy when my threenager is distraught is one of the most effective ways to bring her crazy down at least a notch or two. This can be difficult when you are in the middle of threenager meltdown. But the more we can relate, the calmer they feel and the more open they are to realistic options. Have a catchphrase or two on the ready for these moments. “I see you’re upset because you can’t have the toy right now. It’s okay to feel sad.” This helps validate their feelings and opens the door for discussion.
Boundaries
We’ve been working on setting boundaries from an early age, but in the threenager phase it’s more important than ever because they are looking for your weaknesses! Threenagers are more clever negotiators, and being clear on your boundaries and rules is paramount to captaining your ship. I find that repeating expectations or rules before entering a situation helps tremendously. For example, I always remind my threenager that we are only going to Kohls for an Amazon return and will not be getting a toy today.
Positive Reinforcement
Similar to empathy, the threenager phase is a great time to gush on the praise when your little ball of fire is making choices that align with your boundaries and expectations. Making a big deal of these good-choice moments helps your little one know she can expect lots of love and attention for behaving well. And, bonus, she may be more inclined to do so in the future.
Self-care
During the threenager phase, self-care is paramount. The behavior changes and intensity of meltdowns can be a lot to handle day after day. It’s crucial for parents to take time for themselves to recharge. Simple activities like a short walk, meditation, or talking to a friend can make a big difference in maintaining patience and perspective. Remember, this phase, though difficult, is temporary. With patience and consistency, you’ll guide your child through these formative years, helping them develop the skills they need for future stages
Conclusion
All-in-all, I find the threenager phase to be the most difficult of the early year phases. The tantrums are extreme and everyone is fighting for control. Your little one seems to have lost all vocabulary aside from “no”. Your tried-and-true methods of quelling tantrums during the terrible twos don’t work any longer. It’s so important to notice when this change in development between the two- and three-year-old phase occurs. You will want to adjust your responses to meet their new needs of development. While the terrible twos are marked by impulsive outbursts of frustration, the threenager phase brings a desire for independence and more complex emotional responses. By using empathy, setting clear boundaries, and reinforcing positive behavior, parents can navigate this challenging stage more effectively.
