It is hard to know how to care for our aging parents. What are their needs, wants, fears, expectations, etc. How do we care for them when they do not want our or any help? How do we know when that has changed and we need to step in? It is even harder when the parent does not live close and is not always transparent.
Stroke
My husband’s mom had a stroke two months ago. It was not her first, but we hope her last. We expected her to go to therapy after her hospital stay, as happened last time. Then we would evaluate if she was able to return to her home or consider longer care with one of her children.
She has lived alone, by her choice, in Northern California three hours from any of her children or other family. This makes ensuring her safety and health an issue as we cannot check on her easily. It is also difficult when she has a medical issue, as we cannot be there promptly.
Mental Health
Unfortunately, the stroke affected her mental health. She became combative with the hospital staff and delusional. My mother-in-law started calling 911 at night for help because she thought she had been kidnapped and held by terrorists. She called 911 to report that the hospital was on fire.
It was extremely scary and stressful for all of us, especially her, as she did not feel safe. Luckily, my husband was able to take off time and fly out to try to help. We started looking into long-term care as we had no idea if her brain would heal, and if she could be on her own or live with one of us.
My husband and I were surprised at how expensive any kind of care is that is not covered by medical. Even with the three of us, we could not afford to put her in private long-term care. Even more scary was that none of us had power of attorney or medical authority, so trying to take care of her affairs while she was having hallucinations was hard.
Now, thankfully, her brain is healing. She will be able to leave rehab and come live with her children. It forced us to have hard conversations about money, expectations of care, and what was best for her and the family. We learned that she had not been able to cook or clean up after herself for at least six months, but did not want to tell anyone.
Leading to Conversations
I am grateful that it was not worse and that she is getting better. I wish we would have had these conversations earlier to be more prepared and make sure she was taken care of. Luckily it has led to those hard conversations with my mom and sister.
Now, I feel better prepared for the future. We know my husband’s mom will be well taken care of and feel safe. It is hard to have these conversations as we often do not want to admit our aging parents might need help. My advice is to have the conversations early so you can plan rather than just react.
