Last weekend, my son competed in a jiu-jitsu competition. Jiu-jitsu is a ground-based martial art that focuses on grappling and the use of leverage, pressure, and other tactics in the pursuit of a submission of your opponent. This is an individual sport with two competitors on the mat at a time. My son has been practicing jiu-jitsu for more than four years and competed several times. Every time he competes, I’m surprised by the level of sportsmanship I see across all ages. This past weekend was no different. I was particularly taken aback by the constant support, the camaraderie, and the graciousness shown by these kids ranging in ages from 5-15.
Before and after each roll, these kids bump fists and shake hands. No matter who comes out on top, they bump fists and often hug following the match. If they lose a match, you will still find them on the sidelines, cheering on another competitor and encouraging the other kids in their bracket to keep working hard. I even watched as they stood on the podium to accept their medals, the first-place winner grabbed the arms of second and third-place winners and held them up as everyone cheered. There were smiles and hugs all around. I was in awe!
Why does it surprise me?
Maybe because I haven’t found other team sports to be that way. My daughter plays volleyball. She plays both at the high school level and the club level. We’ve played at several high schools in different parts of the country, as well as a variety of clubs in different areas. She has played on some really good teams and some not-so-good teams. Every time, we have high hopes for a great “team” experience; lots of support, encouragement, and pushing each other to be their best. Each time, it seems our hopes are dashed, and we are surrounded by hyper competitive, often toxic, behavior by coaches, parents, and athletes.
It’s sad.
It’s sad to say that team sports aren’t necessarily teaching our kids to be good team players. Culture is important and when culture is decided by people who are unkind and only out for themselves, the whole team suffers.
So, what do we do about it? Do we pull our kids from the over-competitive and often mentally taxing sports?
My answer is no. We use it as a learning experience to teach our kids the importance of being a good teammate on and off the court or field.
As parents, it’s important to help our children understand that high school sports (and even college sports) will only last a few years for most of us. After that, we will need to function in a world with other people, working, living, and hopefully getting along with those around us. We need good social skills to function in a positive way. We need to be good teammates!
As parents, we need to teach our children to be kind, decent humans who look out for others and help build up those around us. Our athletes need to know that building skills is important, but being a good teammate is even more important.
A good teammate…
- lets those around them know that they matter.
- helps those around them push to be their best.
- is always looking for ways to help everyone shine, not just themselves.
- cheers on the team even when things aren’t going well.
This weekend, as my daughter headed out to play in her first high school volleyball tournament of the season, I made sure to sit with her and talk. We talked about why she plays and what she wants to get out of all this. But we also talked about her teammates and what each of them bring to the game. We talked about their strengths. I encouraged her to find a way to connect with each of her teammates during this tournament. To celebrate their strengths with them. To cheer them on and let them know you care. Let them know that you value what they bring to table. Work hard but find time to smile and laugh with them. I told her to be the teammate she would want to have — to be a good teammate!
She’s learned that these tournaments can build you up and tear you down. She’s learned that sometimes, she needs to lead her team — not in kills, or blocks, or points scored, but with her attitude. We need to teach our kids to be the positive change they want to see.
This all won’t change overnight.
But if we start talking to our kids and teaching them how to be a teammate they would want to play with, we will start the ripple of change. It starts with teaching them early and often! It starts not with skills, but with words and actions and being kind.
Jiu Jitsu may be an individual sport, but I’m finding that team sports could learn a lot from the community that is almost always evident on the mat. I’m doing my best to help my kids see that no matter what they do, sports, clubs, jobs, relationships – it’s important to be a good teammate!
